I eat your cake. I drink your milkshake.

April 18th, 2008 | by Me |

Today, after two years of waiting, three restraining orders, and much fear and disappointment, justice was served. The unfortunate ex-husband was convicted of three counts of domestic violence.

When my divorce was finalized in 2006, I assumed that the domestic violence would end as well. Like most abuse victims, I believed that he wasn’t really bad, but that his behavior was a result of my provoking him. Clearly, if I were a better person/wife/mother/lover/fill-in-the-blank, he wouldn’t be so unhappy. I finally realized that his happiness was not my responsibility and chose to release him to find it for himself. Having stated on several occasions that I had robbed him of 12 years of his life, I felt sure that with his new found freedom from the wife and children which were holding him back, he’d have no reason to violently act out his frustration. But I was wrong. Instead of moving on, he began a quiet campaign of terror — walking through the backyard and knocking on windows in the middle of the night, following us to church, hanging out in front of the house — all clear violations of the restraining order. And he knew it. He was making a point — he could do what he wanted when he wanted and no one could stop him.

I was afraid, angry and reported every infraction to the police. During one ten day period, he violated the order four times. The same police officers came to our home at 6pm each time and I joked to a friend that I should just set two extra plates for dinner on even numbered days.

Once a police report is filed, a detective is assigned to interview the victim, alleged perpetrator and any witnesses to determine if a crime has been committed. If it appears to have occurred, a pre-trial hearing is set to hear how the defendant will plead and then a trial date is scheduled. If the defendant fails to appear for the pre-trial hearing, a bench warrant is issued for his arrest. Bench warrants are considered misdemeanor offenses, and unless the defendant is stopped for a traffic violation, nothing ever comes of it beyond the $45 fine. Clever defendants can successfully avoid facing prosecution for years, as demonstrated by my ex-husband. The courts cannot set a trial date if the defendant doesn’t know he is being charged, right? People move, clerks lose change of address forms, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The wheels of justice turn slowly.

And when they brake, they brake hard. Today, my brave daughters were called upon to testify regarding events that took place two years ago. They looked so delicate and yet so powerful as they answered the defense attorney’s questions. He tried several angles in attempts to confuse them and make them change their testimony. He accused me of coaching my daughters, and even put in a jab about homeschooling:

“I understand you educate your children at home?”

“Yes, and at other locations in the community.”

“And you are their teacher?”

“Yes, along with others in the community.”

“So is that what you call your occupation?”

“No, that’s called parenting.”

The questioning seemed endless, but finally the courtroom became quiet and the judge rendered a verdict of guilty on all three charges. My victim’s advocate then escorted my daughters out of the courtroom so that I could make a statement to the judge on how the crimes had impacted our family. I did not want my daughters to hear me request that the full force of the law be brought to bear against their father: supervised probation, a fine and jail time. The defense attorney requested that sentencing be set for another day and stated that his client would make a statement at that time. I left my attorney to work out the details and joined my daughters in the hallway where we made a quick exit.

Next week, my victim’s advocate will email me the details for the sentencing hearing. Regardless of what the court decides, the convictions are on record and I am happy enough with that. At least 6 other cases have been dismissed because he smiled, lied and/or cried his way out of it. Today all that came to an end. Future violations of the restraining order could be filed as a felony. Barring some repressed desire on his part to do serious jail time, I believe that this chapter in my life has come to a close. I feel liberated and vindicated from the prison of fear. Now, for the next few weeks as he awaits his sentencing, it is his turn to live in my old cell. Any jail time and/or fines he receives will be icing on the cake. Cake that I will eat as I drink his milkshake.


only the strong survive

Originally uploaded by Alexôme