Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

October 7-13 is National Mental Health Awareness Week, dedicated to raising public awareness of mental illnesses, such as major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder. There are numerous connections between mental illness and domestic violence, so it is quite fitting that the first full week of October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, be dedicated to issues of mental health.

When I finally found the courage to leave my abusive marriage, I found many resources online which helped me to realize that I was not alone, and to make a plan to get my children to safety. I also learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Dr. Sam Vakin, owner of several online resources dedicated to narcissism and abusive relationships, speaks about the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde characteristics of some abusers:

“The abuser mistreats only his closest spouse, children, or (much more rarely) colleagues, friends, and neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy often with the active aid of their victims over their dysfunction and misbehavior.

Secrecy is a major weapon in the abuser’s arsenal. Many batterers maintain a double life and keep it a well-guarded secret. Others show one face benign, even altruistic to an admiring world and another ominous and aggressive at home. All abusers insist on keeping the abuse confidential, safe from prying eyes and ears.

The victims collaborate in this cruel game through cognitive dissonance and traumatic bonding. They rationalize the abuser’s behavior, attributing it to incompatibility, mental health problems, temporary setbacks or circumstances, a bad relationship, or substance abuse. Many victims feel guilty. They have been convinced by the offender that they are to blame for his misconduct (”you see what you made me do!”, “you constantly provoke me!”).

Read more about narcisstic personality disorder and domestic violence here.